The NDDC: A season of forensic comedy
By Dr. Ugoji Ebujo
It’s a long script with many plots. Akpabio sneaked into the APC at night and got one of the fattest bones. He had been at the other side, and for so long had lobbed uncommon stones at Buhari.
When Buhari handed Akpabio the fat bone, some Buhari hunting dogs growled and sulked away. Buhari says all bones are bones , only corruption makes them fat and lean.
Akpabio seated in the kitchen found his way into the seat of power and asked that a certain cash cow be put under his care. The NDDC, the fattest cow in the creek was handed to Akpabio, for him to look after. Akpabio looked at the cow and started seeing milk everywhere.
Akpabio went back to the seat of power to say that the fat cow had been abused in the past. With tears in his eyes and creases on his face , he said the cow had nothing to show for all the feed the federal government had pumped into it in the past.
Buhari nodded and gave Akpabio a microscope with which to look back and find the pests and microbes that had sucked the Cow lean.
Buhari said the inspection should be snappy. But a snappy inspection wouldn’t favor Akpabio who wanted to hang onto the cow. Akpabio told those sent to look after the cow to stay away until a new group he would bring have finished the sorcery. Joi Nunieh was amongst them.
Akabio called Joi Nunieh from amongst the grumbling cow handlers. With Joi Nunieh by Akpabio’s side, the President would trust in his work and his enemies cannot push him off the saddle.
According to Nunieh, Akpabio saw her and began to lust. She refused Akpabio 30 contracts and more. Then she gave Akabio an Ogoni slap to control him when he tried to tap current from her. Tapping current is an abomination more evil than other abominations .
Akpabio denied all Nunieh said. And sad that Nunieh was an uncommon woman who had been through a number of husbands. Let’s leave Nunieh and Akpabio because their story is so long it could take us to Okija shrine.
Akpabio, perhaps, seeing that Joi Nunieh refused to supply, both money and the other, told Joi Nunieh that she was guilty of insubordination. Nunieh said she wondered whether it was sexual insubordination or if insubordination had acquired other meanings.
Because she only refused to attend official meetings Akpabio preferred to hold in his hotel rooms. But while Nunieh was resisting Akpabio, Akpabio did a leg over and found that Joi Nunieh’s NYSC certificate had a K-leg. Akpabio ran to the seat of power to say that Joi, as glamorous as she was, would be an embarrassment if the scandal-hit the fan. Joi Nunieh was asked to leave.
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With Joi out , Akpabio looked around for dove. He went to a medical school and collected a medical professor to sit over the cow. That was how Pondei came about. Akpabio added to Pondei another medical doctor called Cairo. Ponder no more, this Cairo has nothing to do with Egypt. As soon as Cairo and Pondei settled to manage the cow for Akpabio, mud and stones began to fly around.
So hecklers said Akpabio had turned Pondei and Cairo to houseboys, and the cash cow to his family pet. Many others cried that Akpabio had discarded the microscope in the hands of road side mechanics because the research he talked about was a ploy by him to hold onto the cash cow and embarrass his political opponents from his home region while at it. Whom shall we believe? Akpabo said the mud and stones landing on him , Pondei and Cairo were from parasites and vultures.
But once the mudslinging and bickering went into full swing and reached Jankara market women standard, the National Assembly got complaints and got involved. As soon as the NASS opened its mouth, Cairo warned that he would wash the dirty linens of the NASS at the market square if the NASS didn’t stay away.
In the words of Pondei and Cairo, the other disgruntled hunting dogs of Buhari and their Umunna in the NASS were trying to raise dust, and disrupt the use of a microscope to inspect the cash cow and discover the microbes and pests that troubled and are troubling it.
Angered by the effrontery of those they termed mere houseboys the NASS members summoned Pondei and company. At the last meeting Pondei was cornered, after hanging on ropes for a while, he dropped his glasses, and crumbled. He was carried away after many had put their dirty fingers into his mouth.
Mischief makers said Pondei had used an advanced Dino-Melaye maneuver to escape an ambush. But I think Pondei suffered a medical condition and deserved sympathy. Sometimes those with conscience suffer more when things get heated than the unscrupulous.
With Pondei stretchered out, Akpabio took the stage and inherited the extra budgetary spending blows. Akpabio after a few body shots at the committee members went for an uppercut saying that members of the NASS were the primary beneficiaries of the bogus contracts that had blighted the cow for years. What followed was bizarre. It seemed the committee chairman became punch drunk.
While Akpabio tried to explain further, the committee chairman desperate to prevent further sewage spill in public glare shouted himself hoarse begging Akpabio to stop. A female legislator who felt offended by Akpabio’s comments was asked to swallow her anger and keep quiet in the interest of the NASS.
The next day the Speaker found courage and gave Akpabio 48 hours to publish the list he had threatened the NASS with. Otherwise what? He didn’t say. Akpabio has denied throwing the uppercut. Perhaps he only patted the NASS on the chin.
What will the speaker do now? Because neither a recant nor an apology will remedy the glassy reputation of the NASS which Pondei and Cairo had cracked, and which Akpabio shattered.
The Cow’s budget for 2020 has not been approved. Akpabio, Joi has said, has his eyes on 2023. He needs that budget perhaps more than he needs oxygen. If the speaker has a good liver he will put a knee on the neck of the cow. And insist that Akpabio resign.
Meanwhile no one knows if Joi is still in the bunker in the government house. Since she talked about giving Akpabio an Ogoni slap to control his libido, police came looking for Joi at an ungodly hour.
A frightened Joi who didn’t want to fall into the hands of her enemies called on her governor and he came in his jeans trousers. After a gruffy encounter with the police the governor took Joi away and hid her in government house.
Pondei is in his house. Thank God it was no more than some fleeing seizure or exhaustion. He would have to reject and see if sitting on the troubled cow is worth it.
When Buhari comes back from Mali he should take another look at the cow and bring it into the villa for a proper inspection.
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